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“Retirement:” A 7-minute short from Screen Ireland featuring Domhnall Gleeson.
I recently had the pleasure of viewing a 7-minute short that is to screen at SXSW in March entitled “Retirement.” From Fis Eireann/Screen Ireland. It was written by John Kelly and Tara Lawall and was an absolute delight. If you have the opportunity, don’t miss it. It is narrated by Domhnall Gleason (Bill Weasley in the “Harry Potter” franchise) and shows a man of retirement age musing about all the great things he is going to do in retirement. Meanwhile, in the background, John Carroll Kirby’s simple piano tunes tinkle pleasantly, with the song “Walking Through A House Where A Family Has Lived” giving you another idea about the light-hearted tone of the short piece.
My favorite exchanges were the narrator saying, “I will paraglide.”
In the next frame, he is shown with a walker and says, “I will NOT paraglide.”
The animated character that animators Marah Curran and Eamonn O’Neill present to us in the short muses on many things he will do in retirement: He will read 35 years of books that he has been putting off reading. He will clean his desktop. He will birdwatch. He will swim every morning. He will hike (“Camping is HORRIBLE!”) The camping line made me think of Woody Allen’s famous line about how his idea of “roughing it” was watching black-and-white TV. [Agreed.]
I’ve been retired for 22 years. I joined a gym with a pool in November. It is almost March. I have yet to swim even once. While I did swim (4 times) last year, the chlorine was so bad that I thought I was going to sink to the bottom of the pool, unnoticed, and drown. (Nobody else is swimming during a weekday afternoon; there is no lifeguard). I only learned on a Monday last year when they canceled the children’s swimming class that the chlorine ratio was totally screwed up. So much for, “No, Doc, I don’t know why I get dizzy and almost pass out while swimming. That never happened to me before I retired.” (It could be because L.A. Fitness didn’t bother to check their chlorine levels; some of the kiddies ALSO almost —or did?—pass out. THEN they fixed it!)
HOUSTON ART GALLERY
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Lolita at the Houston Art Gallery.
I related to the cartoon character’s comment that he would go to an art gallery and “I will want to be there.”
I recently went on a 3-day trip to see Gauguin paintings at the Houston Art Museum. A really unpleasant woman within the Museum followed me for 4 rooms because I leaned against a wall in the first room. I was severely chastised for same. (There were no paintings nearby or on the wall). She finally cornered me in the fourth room, asking me if I “wanted to talk to her manager.”
My response was, “No. I don’t want to talk to your manager. And I don’t want to talk to you, either. I just want to get out of here. I have a bad knee and I felt dizzy. Which would you rather have had me do? Lean on the wall or pass out on the floor?”
Lolita and I were not destined to become buddies.
I enjoyed the trip, overall, but found myself (once again) trying out a retirement activity with a downside.
OTHER THINGS TO TRY IN RETIREMENT
What other relatable activities does our retired figure discuss?
“I will take better care of myself.” Right. I spend one day a week visiting doctors. (Today: bloodwork; tomorrow, the endocrinologist). This is my Most Normal Retirement Activity: visiting doctors’ offices. Oncologist. Endocrinologist. Heptologist. Dentist. Oral Surgeon. Podiatrist. Dermatologist. Primary Care Physician. I read an article recently that said that this is common in we “mature” individuals and doctors make no effort to help you consolidate the MANY appointments. Today, I was told that an A1C would cost me, personally, $84, because “you’ve had too many tests and your insurance won’t cover it.” [No kidding. I thought I was simply in training to become a human pin cushion.]
Elise Wilson in action. (This is how I envisioned my volleyball playing would appear. It did not.)
“I will finally find my sport.” That’s not gonna’ happen, either. While playing volleyball in a co-ed league, a demented stork-like 6′ 5″ person (male) on the other side of the net spiked it down, hard, on 5′ 2″ me. My left elbow dislocated as I turned a backwards somersault. A nice nurse in the gym ran over and said, “I think you just broke your arm.” We went to the emergency room where I was injected with intravenous valium and X-rayed to see if I HAD broken my arm. (No, but I still have bone chips in my left elbow and it aches when it rains.) I spent 6 months in a sling, invested many dollars in front-closing bras and capes, and had to go to physical therapy to address the torn ligaments and tendons. Not fun for me. The insertion of the elbow back into the socket was not fun for the 2 men attempting that task, nor for me. (The spouse waited in the hall). The little blonde diving in the clip above is my 16-year-old granddaughter, Elise. This is how I envision my volleyball playing looked. Sadly, it did not.
“I will completely nail my final words.”Probably not happening, either. I always liked the guy that wrote, on his tombstone, “I can’t be dead. I still have checks.” That retort has not aged well. There’s always W.C. Fields’ “All in all, I’d rather be in Philadelphia” for a final greeting from the grave.
BEST LINES
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From the 7-minute short “Retirement” from Screen Ireland.
In addition to the line “CAMPING IS HORRIBLE” and “I will not paraglide,” I laughed the hardest at the vow to “haunt the absolute shit” out of an enemy. As the author of “Ghostly Tales of Route 66” I hope this option is open to me in the after-life. I have a couple of “friends” (I use the term loosely) and relatives who, after 35 to 60 years of faithful friendship and loyalty on MY part, backstabbed me into wanting to come back as one of the ghosts of Route 66 and give them a little taste of the misery they’ve visited upon me since 2005 (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!)
CONCLUSION
I honestly have not laughed so hard at a 7-minute bit in a long time. I would like to thank Fis Eireann/Screen Ireland for this truly delightful (and accurate) presentation on retirement. As someone who loved her job and didn’t really want to retire in 2003, [but did], I salute you.
Retirement sucks, basically.
It means you have to actively seek out things to do and “travel more” and “birdwatching” and “gong to plays” (“I will find out if I like plays”) isn’t cutting it. (I have learned I prefer movies to plays. Hell, I prefer shorts like this one to most plays.)
Retirement was the worst idea I have had—if it was even MY idea. I seem to remember my spouse of 57 years suggesting we would travel more, blah, blah, blah, but that went out the window when he began playing golf locally in multiple golf leagues with his old high school, elementary school, and work colleagues. The last time we traveled anywhere was before the pandemic. (I’m not counting the time shares bought in the nineties, because we go to those every year as our “home away from home.”) Me? I did not grow up in his home town and, post-work, it’s been unfun and dull. I hear that the Governor of Iowa has just declared all of Iowa a disaster area because of the bird flu, and we’re very close to Iowa. I would really like to leave any disaster area before disaster strikes (and they closed the only theater on the Illinois side of the Mississippi for over a year!)
VACATIONS?
The previous owners of Royal Resorts properties in Cancun (we owned at the Sands and the Islander) dumped it into the Holiday Inn Vacation Club All Inclusive world recently. That is a special kind of backstabbing. They built a kiddies’ pool right outside of our first floor digs. Now I get to listen to screaming kiddies knocking themselves out on the water slide at the crack of dawn. I can hardly wait. Does that sound like fun in retirement? [Just shoot me now.]
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From the short “Retirement”(Fis Eireann/Screen Ireland).
If I were to be asked what I would recommend people do in retirement, I would recommend that they watch this 7-minute film, because it has summed up my own reaction(s) perfectly, including the line “I will find out what a pension is.” I have. It’s not great. Between the taking of half of my Social Security moneys because I had been a teacher and we had a state pension system (I spent more time in the private sector, but Social Security still took half) and the potential insolvency of the Illinois TRS (Teachers’ Retirement System), who knows? I may be back at work before long.
Don’t give up your day job, but do try to see this wonderfully honest and creative short 7-mnute film. After all, if you’re retired, that still means that for that retirement day, instead of having 1,440 minutes to fill with useless activities, many of which you won’t enjoy, you will only have 1,433 minutes to fill.