Kevin Costner and Band to Tour: A Sign of the Apocalypse?

I just read that Christine, Kevin Costner’s wife, who is now pregnant with their second child, encouraged him to take his band (Modern West, I believe) and to appear in some Nashville singing gigs. I can forgive Christine this indiscretion, as she is, after all, preggers, and the hormones must be raging.

But I would advise the rest of you to rent “The Postman” in which Kevin sings to a donkey (or perhaps it was a mule…I can never tell them apart, and they never answer me when I ask.)

This was, without a doubt, one of the most unintentionally hilarious scenes I have ever had the misfortune to sit through during my movie reviewing days (which were long and unproductive, but lots of fun). Kevin does not have much of a voice, and he goes right up there with the others that Jeff Daniels (who actually CAN sing) made fun of in his self-written song (“If William Shatner Can, I Can, Too”): Rusell Crowe, Adam Sandler, the Olson Twins, Gina Gershon, Juliette Lewis and the ever memorable William Shatner.

Jeff Daniels just completed a run at the Goodman Theater in Chicago of a play entitled “Turn of the Century.” He and a lovely singer played “Billy Clarke” and (?) Wilson, a piano player and a singer (she being the singer) who are transported back through time from the Y2K New’s Year Eve to 100 years prior. They promptly begin ripping off the “greats” of the next 100 years, including, but not limited to, Irving Berlin and Billy Joel. It was a novel idea, written by Marshall Brickman (who often collaborated with Woody Allen) and choreographed by Tommy Tune. I enjoyed it, but even Daniels’ pleasant tenor didn’t stack up against the woman he played opposite, who had the real set of pipes.

Trust me on this: Kevin Costner really does not have much of a voice. If you don’t believe me, rent “The Postman.” And, while you’re watching that scene with the donkey/mule, check out how his hair looks in the scene where he crosses a huge mountain gorge with the wind ruffling his thinning-even-then locks. Kevin! Kevin! How could you! We are your FANS! We don’t want to see thinning hair and hear off-key melodies sung to a donkey, for crying out loud!

Again, I urge you to rent “The Postman” and stick it out to the bitter (and it will be bitter…trust me on that) end before you shell out hard, cold cash to hear Kevin and his band play in Nashville (or anywhere else).

There are REAL STRUGGLING musicians out there, who are GOOD. Give us all a break, Kevin, and let the real musicians among us get a life, while you pursue yours, which seems pretty full with movies, a new baby on the way, that large ranch I am always seeing pictures of, and anything…please…anything BUT singing.

I did not add Bruce Willis to the list of singers-who-cannot-sing, because he and Daniels actually sound “okay” when they wander away from their chosen profession for some harmonica-playing on Letterman or wherever. Stay tuned for judgment on Joaquin Phoenix, who, apparently, is our next star-turned-singer.